I’m Not Changing For Anyone.. Again

Every since I was old enough to understand what being liked felt like, I always made it my mission to change myself for other people or do things for them; so they can be happy. I always thought it was normal, that it was something people do for those they love. I compared it to how my mom would tell me to behave and so when I did, she would say it made her happy. I thought they were both the same thing, just me trying to make those around me smile. Over the years, as time passed by, I myself became unhappy. I became so confused and sad, I hated myself. I went through many phases of guilt, loneliness, and what seemed like depression. Once I broke, those who I thought were my friends disappeared; those who I thought loved me, left with them. I didn’t know what I was doing. As I grew older, I started to realize that I was just being used and manipulated. I am quiet.

I am quiet.

I am nerdy as fuck.

I love school.

I hate math.

I am an introvert.

I won’t bully people.

I am clumsy.

I dress for comfort, not for boys.

I am not interested in sex (yet).

I have a good heart.

I hate conflict.

I am not a liar, I refuse to lie for you.

I am angry.

I am disappointed.

I am so confused.

I am not okay, but that is okay.

But most importantly, I refuse to change for you. 

All my life, I’ve been pretending to be someone that everyone likes. Only last year, I have finally started to take back the control others seemed to have on me. Sadly, I still do things for my friends that only end up blowing in my face in the end but I don’t think I would ever be able to change that. I would do anything for those I love; that’s both my strength and weakness. I just hope that as time passes by and I meet new people, that they don’t take advantage of my weakness.

I will say no.

 

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